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Taxes and aliens -- it must be a conspiracy
© St. Petersburg Times In case nobody has noticed, a couple of Panhandle towns (three actually) have made obvious attempts to control or strongly affect how things happen in Pasco, Hernando and Citrus counties. It bears looking into, so here is a little informative Q&A. Q: What are the names of those two little towns in the Florida Panhandle that tried recently to take over a substantial part of the water supply for Pasco, Hernando and Citrus counties? A: Gulf Breeze and Milton. Q: Are they known for anything else? A: Gulf Breeze is known as the site of frequent UFO sightings in the 1980s and 1990s. Q: Did any of the UFOs land? A: It depends on whom you talk to, but you should discount information coming from anyone who doesn't blink, smile or know who won the 1999 World Series. Q: Who did win the 1999 World Series? A: Next question. Q: If aliens took over Gulf Breeze, could it mean they were getting ready to invade the planet? A: Either that or they were on their way to spring break. Q: How would controlling the water supply assist in the complete breakdown of the social and economic system? A: Have you looked at your water bill lately? Q: What else have they done? A: Now Gulf Breeze and Century, another small town up there, are trying to put together a deal to fund the purchase of two west Pasco apartment complexes by a nonprofit company in Texas. Q: Who cares? A: County government. If the two apartment complexes, worth about $7-million, are owned by a nonprofit company, they would stop paying taxes. Q: And this matters because? A: Have you looked at your tax bill lately? Q: How do these little towns get involved in things like this? A: Apparently they have made a cottage industry out of issuing government bonds for sale and they have done so at a time roughly coinciding with the appearance of alien spacecraft. Q: Do you really think that a few flying saucers, a move to control the water supply and dealing in apartment complexes for moderate income people are scary indications of an alien takeover? Why? A: People in Pasco County are very passionate about water supply. Other governments ignore them, but they remain very passionate. Hernando County is next to Pasco County and mention of moderate income housing in or near there can cause a panic. People in Citrus County will be sure Citrus County Commissioner Jim Fowler is involved. Q: Why? A: Because they already think he's an alien. Q: Is it suspected that the aliens control anything else? A: The Port Richey building department, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration in its crackdown on giving people affordable drugs so they can stay alive and afford food, and the people who put on the Kumquat festival in Dade City every year. Q: Kumquats? Come on, they're harmless. A: That's what they want you to believe. Q: Okay, if aliens are really taking over the state, what else should we be looking for? A: Asphalt. They thrive on it, and cable companies carrying the Lifetime channel, that's how they communicate. Q: Asphalt? It's all over the place. A: Exactly. Q: And nobody watches Lifetime. A: Not while you're looking. Q: I think this is all a little far-fetched. Besides, didn't they find out that most, if not all of those UFO sightings up there were fake? A: You bought that, huh? Q: And why haven't you said anything about Crystal River City Hall? Are they after that? A: We don't talk about that. Q: Why? A: Because that's the mother ship.
 © 2006 • All Rights Reserved • Tampa Bay Times
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